I kept buying hangers as I was slowly collecting these new things that now fit and would run out constantly. Kyle kept saying to go through my clothes and get rid of everything I wasn't wearing anymore. I don't know why I kept avoiding it - okay...except I do. I have been scared ever since day 1 of this journey that I would regain every ounce of weight I had lost along the way. I'd see the scale at 245 pounds again and be pissed at myself for not keeping anything to wear because now I'd have to go re-buy my "fat" clothes, and I did NOT want to do that. So I kept putting it off, putting it off, putting it off…. then my OCD kicked in and the mess that was my closet and pretty much all of my personal space was more than I could handle. I decided today was the day to say goodbye to my former self and move on.
Insert the biggest breath of fresh air your lungs can inhale. Now exhale.
I was overwhelmed by the task and I have quite the closet. I mean, I have a walk-in and a full 4 drawer dresser PLUS had workout gear in a hanging thing from my closet rack that is meant for shoes that was overflowing, plus the piles of clothes on the floor that I talked about a moment ago. Shoes… I'll start with shoes. So I packed up my old shoes I no longer wear (goodbye, Crocs!… and old running shoes. Tear. I don't miss those men's wide shoes but they were where I started… pink laces and all. I wanted to donate to KindRunner but they didn't have my shoe to buy from them and return my old pair with, sad!) and started there. Next - on to dresses and long sleeves. I kept my one comparison dress - the purple one shoulder number - just for future pictures. Yep, I did. I literally got rid of more dresses that I haven't worn in over 2 years either because they were down right ugly or were too big. Dresses I bought for vacation this year that I never wore because they were too big by the time vacation came around went with tags on them. My wallet cried a little, but I'm happy knowing when they are donated this week someone will have something really cute to wear this summer. The rest of my shirts I decided if they were XXL, I hadn't worn it in over a year, or anything from Lane Bryant, it was time to go. Mentally, letting go of my Lane Bryant stuff was as liberating as cutting up the credit card I had for that store. It was a very safe place for me and I was usually always the smallest size or next one up from smallest when I shopped there and it made me feel good. I wasn't THAT big, but I was. I nicknamed it "Lane Giant" and laughed about it at the time. I'm glad the store exists to give plus size women a chance to have some fashionable choices but I'm glad that part of my life is over.
10 bags and a few hanging dresses make up my former self. 10 bags of sadness. 10 bags of hiding from the truth. 10 bags of plus size.
I stood in the pile of clothes before I bagged them and began sobbing. I was literally mourning the loss of myself. But really, I hadn't lost myself - I found myself. In the sea of XXL, of 20/22 jeans I literally cleansed myself of feeling like I wasn't good enough to be healthy or a "normal" size. I always thought I would be a big girl, my family is made up of big people, so that's who I was supposed to be too.
I thought about my run yesterday. I ran outside on February 1st in a t-shirt. Minus pushing a bit for the last 5 minutes, I comfortably ran 5.33 miles without a thought. I woke up and was excited to go to Zumba. I thought about my Weight Watchers weigh in this week and was excited to continue my Tuesday meeting followed by Zumba after on Tuesday night. Those were my thoughts - not anything my former self would have been excited about. I am forever changed and I think that alone is amazing. I decided to change my life, and I have. I am a very different person than I was a year ago and I can't thank myself enough for that. But I will - in new gym clothes, my next pair of running shoes, the FitBit on my wrist, and the healthy lunch I have planned for tomorrow.
Now that I've done the great purge once, I think next time will be easier. More of a celebration than the mourning. Next time I'll get rid of more things and likely some of my current go-to favorites as they get too big. I am continuously a work in progress.
Have you gotten rid of all the things you couldn't wear anymore? Was it a happy time or a sad time? What's been the hardest part after losing weight for you?